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Greatest Quotes from "The Office"

The new season of The Office is set to run on Sept. 25th. That seems to me far too distant. In order to hold myself over, here are some Office Quotes:

-Michael Scott (talking into phone): "Thank you very much sir! You are a gentleman and a scholar. ...Oh. I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. My mistake. ...That was a woman I was talking to. She has a very low voice. Probably a smoker."

-Dwight Schrute:  "Let me describe the perfect date: I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her... now he wants to fight- so I grab him- I throw him into the jukebox! Then the other ninja's got a knife, he comes at me, we grapple, I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She's scared now. I take her home. I'm holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss... I hear something in the leaves, I flip her around, she gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time... but I knew."

-Dwight: Jim! This is not funny! Why is my stuff in here?" (sees nameplate and office supplies in vending machine)
Jim: "Oh, that's weird--dollar for a stapler though, that's pretty good."
Dwight: "Well I'm not paying for my own stuff. I know you did this because you're friends with the vending machine guy."
Jim: "Who? Steve?"

-(The episode where Jim dresses like Dwight)
Jim: "Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: "That's a ridiculous question."
Jim: "FALSE:  Black bear."
Dwight: "That's debatable. There's basically two schools of thought--"
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."

-(The episode when Michael burns his foot on the George Forman grill):
Michael Scott: "Can I ask you all a question? Do you know what it’s like to be disabled?"
Phyllis: "I had scoliosis as a girl."
Michael Scott: "Never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman’s trouble."
Creed: "When I was a teenager, I was in an iron-lung."
Michael Scott: "What? How- how old are you? The point is: I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability. Although I am sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles."

-(From Diversity Day)
Michael Scott: "In the words of Abraham Lincoln, ‘If you are a racist, we will attack you with the North.’"
-(The episode where Jim moves Dwight's desk into the bathroom)


Dwight: "Where’s my desk?"
Jim: "Whoa, that is weird."
Dwight: "This is not funny. It's totally unprofessional."
Jim: "Hey, you're the one who lost a desk."
Dwight: "I didn't lose my desk."
Jim: "Calm down, where was the last place you saw it?"
Dwight: "Who moved my desk?"
Jim: "I think you should retrace your steps."

-(The episode where Michael considers jumping off the roof to show the dangers of depression)
Michael Scott: "An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? [pause] I really can't say, but yes."

-Michael Scott: "You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you and then you run over one person with your car. And it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense."

Glamourizing Bad Behavior, Criticizing Bad Behavior

In the L.A. Times last week, Enid Portuguez presented an interesting piece about the hit show Gossip Girl, in which the show's producer insisted that the show does not "glamorize" teen drinking or sex:

  “When people say the show glamorizes teen drinking and sex, they aren’t really watching the episodes,” said Savage. “Not all the characters drink or have sex, and when they do, it’s always put in a context. Behaviors are rooted in character. There’s decision-making, regret and consequences involved.”

For years, I've heard similar arguments about all kinds of different media and always heard similar language: "there's sex but it's not glamorized "there's drugs but it's not glamorized." I have not seen Gossip Girl nearly enough to judge one way or the other. But I think the phrase "it's not glamorized" can cover a multitude of sins. The larger question this article raises is, what do you specifically have to do to keep bad behavior from being glamourized?

Bad behavior is pretty common in our media. So here are five things you can do to make sure the role model's bad behavior is "not glamorized" in your movie:

(5) Kill the role model: This is the most obvious and perhaps the most effective deterrent. It subconsciously reminds us that death comes to people who do bad things. If you smoke weed, you're considerably more likely to be killed by a masked serial killer. In a horror flick and having an extra-marital affair with your best friend's husband in their dark basement bedroom? The killer is in the closet. You're both dead. Examples: Chris from Carrie. If you are having premarital sex with your boyfriend and pick on dorky girls, you may get your car telekinetically flipped and die brutally.

(4) Beat down the role model: Next most effective deterrent. If you do bad things, you're going to get seriously beat up. The reason this is effective is that the person can come dangerously close to #5 during the process. Examples: Edward in The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe -- You betrayed Narnia, so you're going to get kicked around by trolls, goblins and ice queens. Lucky for you your sister has a magic juice bottle to bring you back.

(3) Exile the role model: All the role model's friends stop spending time with her. The girlfriend dumps the male role model, perhaps screaming "you're just not person I used to love anymore!" It subconsciously reminds us that people don't like you if you do bad things. Examples: Michael in the Godfather -- If you become a mafia boss and begin killing off family members, your wife might not want to be married to you anymore. Also, Charlie from LOST. If you do heroin, your brother won't join a band with you, you'll crash on a mysterious island where even a bunch of outcasts won't want to hang with you.

(2) Jail the role model: The role model gets some time behind bars to think about what he did. Perhaps not the most efficient deterrent because now there is plenty of media out there that make jail look like a cake walk. This one can also include all sorts of legal action from restraining orders to community service. Examples: Barney in How I Met Your Mother. If you pee on the side of churches, you may end up working in a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving. Also, Jerry on Seinfeld. If you build an entire show on making fun of people, you probably will end up in prison at the show's finale.

(1) Punish the role model: This is the one seen most often and is probably the least effective. The role model does something wrong and then gets yelled at, grounded, etc. In teen shows, this only serves to further the myth of "evil adults don't want you to have fun." When the only consequence to bad actions is upset parents, we tend to think maybe it's the parents who are out of line. We tend more toward blaming parents especially when the parents themselves are depicted as having made their own bad choices. Example: Grace in The Secret Life of the American Teenager. If you date someone when your parents tell you not to, they might be upset with you...but they can still make a few witty jokes to lighten the mood before commercial break.

Are there other ways to make sure bad behavior isn't glamorized? Anyone have better examples?

Five Things I've Learned About DC

This week I celebrate one month in Washington DC as a resident. During my time, I've learned some of the lessons of the city, which I'd like to share with you:

(5) Crazy Stuff Happens On DC Transportation- On my bus ride to my job interview, I noted a man seated across the aisle from me. Scraggly-bearded, unkempt clothes, cold weather clothes in 95 degree heat; let's just say he was dressed in a pretty wild manner. Occasionally, he would open his eyes to steal glances in every direction or mutter something incomprehensible. But mostly, he acted like he was sleeping. So when I took a phone call, it came as a complete surprise when he pulled a camera out of his bag, snapped a picture, replaced the camera and then pretended to fall asleep again. In mid-conversation, I just kind of stopped. Did that just happen? But also be prepared for all sorts of artistic displays. I've run into a capella singers, jazz musicians and even tap dancers while waiting for the metro.

(4) The Roads To Nowhere- if you follow the grid of letters and numbers, you can find your way to just about everywhere in the city. But woe to you if you stray onto a diagonal that cuts through the city. These state-named streets only lead in one direction: traffic circles. And finding your way out of a traffic circle while dodging city traffic is the surest way to give yourself a brain aneurysm. Best adventure: Dupont circle. It's a traffic circle inside a traffic circle. And you can't get from one to the other. My wife says the roads are confusing so terrorists can't find the president. My Georgetown student peers say the roads a result of the artist hired to design DC. I think it's both: they hired an artist to invent random roads to protect the president.

(3) Police Priorities Seem A Little Off- DC is well-known for it's crime. (It's still not as bad as my home town, but for many it seems exorbitant). Many longtime residents have even witnessed a crime or two without police intervention. But while police may be lacking in crime punishment, they are spot on in parking enforcement. Two parking tickets in a month. (Both on rental cars, so someone at the police station will have to do some research to find out it was me. I'm betting they won't take the time). One of those parking tickets was for parking within 25 feet of a stop sign. I was 20 feet away. What I want to know is, what police officer went up to my car with measuring tape? If they'd just of gone up a block they could have probably caught some drug dealers instead.

(2) There's No Good Way to G-Town- Georgetown! Sounds fun! It is, if you live there and don't ever have to leave. Georgetown is one of the few remaining areas of DC that is hard to access. Plan on taking at least two buses, several metro stops and a considerable hike or suffering 50 minutes from Union to G-Town on the Circulator bus. Word is that the powers that be are considering an elevated metro into Georgetown. Doubtful occurrence. Georgetown is where the rich folks live. Put in a metro and riff-raff like you and I can get there with such greater ease if we want to steal their garden gnomes.

(1) It's Easy To Hate Tourists- It's sad statement about how fast you get indoctrinated by the city, but you may be a tourist your first day, but after a month, you know the routine. And despise those that don't. I remember on my first visit to DC being shouted at rudely for standing on the left side of the escalator (Rule of Thumb: Walk left, stand right). It was embarrassing. But only a month later, I don't like tourists. How do you spot tourists? Easy.

• They roam in packs with bright, matching shirts so they can find each other easily.


• They have maps out


• They look at buildings with the wide-eyed expression of child recovering after putting their finger in a light socket.

So one day I'm stuck behind a crowd of tourists and, of course, they're standing on the left. And I found myself exchanging glances and rolling my eyes with the people behind me. Tourists.

Tales from DC: The Administrator Who Could

As part of my ongoing attempt to sabotage my future, I shared a comment today wild enough that it bears repeating in this hallowed space. The conversation itself was about a Dr. Clark who is the president of a mid-sized evangelical university. The man, in his 60s, has seen his share of successes, but, quite possibly, more failures. So the conversation arose between myself and few colleagues:

Angela: Being a president requires people skills and he doesn't have any! I know he's a good businessman, but Greg, how do you think he got that job?

Greg: (pause) Because he will sleep with anybody.

Stunned silence followed. Updates will continue as I see whether I can keep my job in the country's most PC city.

GopherLink! The Apropos of Something Blog created a Top 30 "WTF?" Moments of LOST .

The Happening

Why 'The Happening' Is Happening

I've been told by numerous friends that "The Happening," in a word, sucked. I'm going to tell you why I disagree.

5. The Cinematography - Always M. Night Shyamalan's strong suit, the cinematography in the movie was darn near amazing. His use of camera angles in capturing just the right image is brilliant. Case in point: The folks entering Princeton, NJ see ladders rising into midair and dead people hanging from the trees. The image is so shocking and so disturbing, but mainly because you can't see the ladders leaning against the trees. The image of the misplaced ladders is so disturbing next to the dead folks it struck the theater silent.

4. "The Happening" isn't for Genre Pigeonholing - Folks I think try to put movies in different genre's they don't always fit. This movie, along with many Shyamalan films, don't fit well in traditional genres. As in "Signs" and "The Village," the main story isn't in the horror, but in the relationships. The wonderfully complex love relatonship between Wahlberg and Deschanel serves as the main story while the world being destroyed by plants (not that scary when described this way) is just back story.

3. Zooey Deschanel - 'Nough said. She's been described on imdb.com as an actress reminiscent of the oldtime actresses of silent movies who showed in thei face what they could say in audio. With her vibrant blue eyes, and innocent face she captures the camer and perfectly characterizes her freaked-out newly-wed character.

2. The "Shyamalan Surprise" - Shyamalan is perhaps best known for the surprise he puts in at the end of each movie. ie. Sixth Sense: Bruce Willis is actually a "dead people," Signs: All the bad stuff happened to save the son's life from evil aliens, Lady in the Water: the main character isn't the "Guardian," he's a healer. In "The Happening"? The Great American Northeast was not destroyed by terrorists but by -- wait for it -- plants. Talk about attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

1. The Actors Actually, Well, Act - Ive seen alot of trite and rehashed dialogue in my day. Seeing a movie where the screenwriter (a) makes use to description to fuel a scene and (b) makes use of silence in an artful manner, is refreshing.