100 Confessions: My Little Sister

(94) My sister and I have our own language. We quote obscure TV show episodes/movies and make weird sounds that leave us rolling on the floor laughing. Other people who spend time around us have no idea what's going on. Video quoted typically include: "Kung Pow," "Family Guy," "How I Met Your Mother," "Airplane."

100 Confessions: Dog Clothes

(93) I consider dog clothing immoral. I will relent that dog clothing makes sense if you're in cold weather and your dog has any clothes. Sometimes. But dude, dogs have fur. They were born with it. That's why they don't need clothes. Clothes are a human thing, growing fur is a dog thing. The sweaters? The boots? They're not dolls. If you want to dress something up, buy a cabbage patch kid.

At my wife's request, I won't share my thoughts on dressing babies in rabbit costumes on a regular occasion.

At right, dog is thinking "What the hell?"

100 Confessions: Rats

(92) Growing up, we had on and off rat problems. During one season where our bird feed kept disappearing, my mother decided to buy a BB gun to use to scare off/kill the rats. It should be noted that target practice made use of the BB gun more than all actual adventures combined.

On one particular occasion, we heard squeaking inside one of the bird feedbags. We decided to stage an attack. My mom stood ready with the BB gun and she asked me to open the bag. When I did, rats jumped out in every direction. My mom, in panic, fired the gun. The BB ricocheted off the walls and struck me in the arm. In the meantime, rats scurried over my feet and disappeared into the night.

So the one time we tried to attack rats, I got shot.

100 Confessions: Contests

(91) I notoriously lose at contests. I'm bad at gambling. The lottery. Business card meal drawings. Even white elephant parties. My wife and I went to one and ended up with the same presents we brought there. And when we tried to set them up in the house, they broke.

This usually also transfers over to races, etc. How ever, I did recently have some success. Friend of this blog Julie James and I were part of a one-handed present wrapping contest (we each had a hand in it. Dunt chink). And we wiped the floor with the competition. It was a glorious feeling.

And I got a candy cane full of hershey kisses. I don't know how I'll eat them all before Christmas. I'm convinced people try to make you fat at Christmas time.

100 Confessions: Fight

(90) I've only been in one legitimate fight and it did nothing to enhance my sense of manliness. It was the classic bully situation (in middle school, which is, I'm convinced, every one's personal preview of what hell would be like). Vinny picked on me for a good two years: throwing quarters at my head, stepping on my shoes while I was walking, making sexual noises against my desk during class. Yes you heard me right. During class. This is public school fool.

Well one day and his friends surrounded me and began pelting me with tightly wadded alumninum foil. They didn't hurt exactly. It was the humiliation that got to me. People standing around laughing. They stopped when the teacher turned the corner. As usual, she pretended that she didn't see anything. Everyone got into line to go into class.

I pushed through the line, grabbed Vinny by his back collar, spun him around and pounded him in the face. He started to cry. It would have been a slightly more glorious moment if I hadn't started to cry too. Vinny didn't mess with me again. Or talk to me. Or talk about me.

This and a later situation eventually led me to leave (encouraged to leave?) public school which I suppose gives me some street cred.

100 Confessions: His People

(89) During high school I went to ridiculous lengths to try to get into the elite choir group "His People." I know what you're thinking, 'Greg, you're not really into music, or singing, or hanging out with musical people who like to sing.'" And you're right. But in high school, for some reason, it didn't matter. Everyone wanted to be in this group because all the cool people (and the hot girls) were in the group.

I tried out two years in a row, and couldn't understand how football players who couldn't carry a tune could get on, but I couldn't. Then I realized I just wasn't cool enough.

It's alright. Looking back, the girls weren't that hot. Slim pickins in high school. And I can also crack jokes about the dudes wearing makeup from a safe distance too.

GopherLink! Dude! Catholics have "faults and shortcomings?" Who knew!? Thanks W Post! Note to Catholics: Please don't hit me.