Greatest Quotes from "The Office"

The new season of The Office is set to run on Sept. 25th. That seems to me far too distant. In order to hold myself over, here are some Office Quotes:

-Michael Scott (talking into phone): "Thank you very much sir! You are a gentleman and a scholar. ...Oh. I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. My mistake. ...That was a woman I was talking to. She has a very low voice. Probably a smoker."

-Dwight Schrute:  "Let me describe the perfect date: I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her... now he wants to fight- so I grab him- I throw him into the jukebox! Then the other ninja's got a knife, he comes at me, we grapple, I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She's scared now. I take her home. I'm holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss... I hear something in the leaves, I flip her around, she gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time... but I knew."

-Dwight: Jim! This is not funny! Why is my stuff in here?" (sees nameplate and office supplies in vending machine)
Jim: "Oh, that's weird--dollar for a stapler though, that's pretty good."
Dwight: "Well I'm not paying for my own stuff. I know you did this because you're friends with the vending machine guy."
Jim: "Who? Steve?"

-(The episode where Jim dresses like Dwight)
Jim: "Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: "That's a ridiculous question."
Jim: "FALSE:  Black bear."
Dwight: "That's debatable. There's basically two schools of thought--"
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."

-(The episode when Michael burns his foot on the George Forman grill):
Michael Scott: "Can I ask you all a question? Do you know what it’s like to be disabled?"
Phyllis: "I had scoliosis as a girl."
Michael Scott: "Never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman’s trouble."
Creed: "When I was a teenager, I was in an iron-lung."
Michael Scott: "What? How- how old are you? The point is: I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability. Although I am sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles."

-(From Diversity Day)
Michael Scott: "In the words of Abraham Lincoln, ‘If you are a racist, we will attack you with the North.’"
-(The episode where Jim moves Dwight's desk into the bathroom)


Dwight: "Where’s my desk?"
Jim: "Whoa, that is weird."
Dwight: "This is not funny. It's totally unprofessional."
Jim: "Hey, you're the one who lost a desk."
Dwight: "I didn't lose my desk."
Jim: "Calm down, where was the last place you saw it?"
Dwight: "Who moved my desk?"
Jim: "I think you should retrace your steps."

-(The episode where Michael considers jumping off the roof to show the dangers of depression)
Michael Scott: "An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? [pause] I really can't say, but yes."

-Michael Scott: "You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you and then you run over one person with your car. And it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense."