Who buys stuff from Sky Mall?

A recent look through Sky Mall magazine confirmed that there are things you see in Sky Mall that no one in the world owns. Or would buy, if given the choice. Some examples:

Voice Activated R2-D2-
"This motorized replica of the headstrong little "droid" from the iconic Star Wars films responds to over 40 voice commands, navigates rooms and hallways."

Buying a plastic one too cheap for you? Buy one that can creep out your friends. Thanksgiving dinner? Try the "launch lightsaber" command so you can carve the turkey a bit more cleanly.

The Pet Observation Porthole-
"This clear acrylic dome opens a window to the world that helps satisfy a pet's natural curiousity while maintaining safety and security."

Don't make your dog go through the trouble of looking under the fence! Now he can look through the porthole to see if the neighbors are cooking beef, have another dog over, are skinny-dipping, etc. If my neighbor had one of these, I might move.

Lawn Aerator Sandals-

"Aerating your lawn is as easy as taking a walk. Aerating your lawn revitalizes hard, compacted soil, and helps prevent thatch buildup, but lawn services charge a mint for this service."

I've never even heard of an "aerator." But I tell you what, it looks like those are the meanest soccer spikes I've ever seen. C'mon try to stop my dribble, these babies'll cut right through your gastrocnemius.

Towel-Matic Touchless-
"Dispense paper towels with a wave of your hand! No more wasted paper towels! The Towel-Matic's sensor-activated control dispenses one sheet, two sheets or the new half-sheet with just a wave of your hand."

Think of how much work you save waving your hand in front of a paper towel rather than ripping it! And I like the "new half sheet" part. No one has ever thought of using a half sheet of paper towel. Truly ground-breaking.

Relax 'N Nap Pillow-
"Our new Relax 'N Nap Pillow relieves tension on neck, back and shoulders and the patented "air portal" ventilation system allows you to rest face down in comfort while breathing fresh clean air."

Sleeping on a regular pillow? Pmph. You're not getting "fresh clean air." You need that air portal. Could you imagine seeing someone sleeping on one of those things? I think I would laugh in their face. And maybe slap them in the face.

E-Z Chord Kit-
"Patented E-Z Chord device attaches to any guitar in just 5 minutes and gives you instant success. E-Z Chord replaces difficult finger moves with just four numberred buttons."

In college, you don't have to be the guy who can't get a date anymore. Just slap this thing on there.Why actually learn how to play guitar when you could learn to fake it with an odd device on the top. Remember those hard guitar chords like "G" or "C"? No problem. Just press the buttons.

The Batarang Money Clip-
Is using a regular money clip not nerdy enough for you? This will complete a pocket-protector ensemble. You can whip it out of your backpocket, pretending the guy behind the counter isn't a hotdog vendor but Killer Croc or Two-Face. I suggest getting the chrome plated. You don't want the stainless steel to rust from the rain. You know, from when you're out there fighting crime.

"Big Foot, The Garden Yeti" Sculpture-
"With his characteristically big feet, our over two-foot-tall Garden Yeti will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative gardening style!"

Guests will be doing a double take, but it won't be because you have "creative gardening style." Make sure none of your guests have guns they might shoot it, thinking they wandered into the Planet of the Apes.