Ladies, Gentleman: We have a stirring event coming up tomorrow--Jim and Pam's Wedding on The Office. If Obama was on at the same time, no one would watch. But part of my tradition, is that at the start of The Office each season, I compile a list of classic quotes from The Office (see here and here). Check out the preview of tomorrow's episode at the bottom!
Michael: I will be honest. The dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty. Like a piece of fine art by...any number of renowned artists. Or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude. But the women I'm getting fixed up with are...blech. Not that they aren't nice, or that they don't have great personalities, it's, they just lack a certain...Crawfordness.
Dwight: Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. That computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for thirteen out of the last twelve months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
(Jim tries to steal a copier with Dwight and Michael and accidentally runs into his ex-girlfriend, Karen)
Jim: Oh, no. I didn't want to see you. Not that I'm not happy to be seeing you right now. I'm just saying ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal. I'd say it's equal. So good to see you.
Michael: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here [the office], we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include "That's what she said?"
Michael: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim: Wow. That is really hard. [Michael grits teeth] You really think you can go all day long? [Michael struggling] Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.
Michael: That's what she said.
Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like...Mozart's friend. No.
I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Michael: [To Martin Nash, who is black] Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. Uh, not...
(Andy is seeking Jim's advice to get Pam on a date)
Jim: Quick question — do you play the guitar?
Andy: I play the banjo.
Jim: Hold on, let me think about that...yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?
Andy: [singing] You know I can, my man.
Michael: [to Ryan during a "scared straight" seminar] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball.
Jim: After you
Dwight: No thank you, I never let anyone walk in front of me
Jim: How come?
Dwight: 7/10 attacks come from the rear
Jim: That still leaves 3/10 attacks that could come from the front
Dwight: But I would block the attack, rendering it-
(Jim slaps him)
Michael: Who's there?
Jim: KGB.
Michael: Dwight get the door.
Dwight: I'm not answering the door.
Michael: Answer the door.
Jim: Ding dong.
Dwight: No way. It's the KGB.
Jim: Ding dong.
Dwight: I'm not answering that!
[Dwight and Michael start arguing as Jim is still ringing the doorbell]
Michael: Yes you're going to!
Dwight: I'm not going to answer it it's the KGB!--
Jim: [slaps Michael] It's the KGB we wait for no one!
Michael: Ha ha ha!
Dwight: [to camera] It's true.
(The episode where Michael imitates SurvivorMan)
Dwight: Do I believe Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no I do not.
Michael: When I was in training many years ago, not so long ago. I worked side by side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed we convinced them that they were crazy. Another time Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. The guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.
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