(82) I'm not easily contented. I'm not sure that's a positive thing, but I'm not sure it's negative either.
Positive:
-I think it makes me a good worker because I'm want to try new things to improve what we're already doing.
-I think it makes me a good husband because I don't take my wife for granted. I have to continually win her hand.
-I think it makes me reach for goals others might find unachievable. And maybe they are goals that, for me, are unachievable. But at least I try.
Negative:
-I think it makes me obsessive. I feel like a failure if I'm not working toward the next big thing: the book publication, the Ph.D program (and it has to be the best Ph.D program), a house, etc.
-I think it sucks the enjoyment out of the great work I do. I don't live in the moment. People say that they "live for today" and I don't argue, but I don't think I do. I don't think I'm good at it. I was raised to "be responsible," to "look out for others," to "make a difference." Smelling the roses just wasn't in there. And hey I'll bet they'll smell the same when I eventually write a book on the subject right? At least then I'll have accomplished something.
-I think I'm slightly worried it will make me a bad father. Will it go away when I have children? Will I keep reaching for things when I have kids and not spend enough time with them? Or will my perspective change and will I be that overbearing father who forces his children to achieve all the things he hoped to achieve himself. I'm scared that I could be both.
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