100 Confessions: Parent Sayings

(50) I always thought parental "wisdom" statements were unbelievably funny.
(A Father's Day Post)

I never did well with scolding. My Dad usually did the disciplining and his face contorted oddly when he got angry. So usually when he started screaming, I burst out laughing. This usually brought about a murderous "oh, so you think this is funny?" Most times I ended up biting my lip and pinching myself to keep from laughing. I'm sure that was beloved.

-Response to making a mess: "What, do you think you were born on a barn?"
This seems discriminatory toward rural people groups. From my experience (watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and Northern Exposure), folks born in barns don't turn out all bad. How about that Jesus? Huh? Huh? Bet he could keep his room as dirty as he wanted as long as he kept changing the his parent's water to wine.

-Response to forgetting something: "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times..."
Actually having being told something once is very different from being told something a thousand times. It's a lot harder to forget something you've heard a thousand times. Like the five dollar, foot long song.

-Response to doing something at a friend's urging:"If (insert peer pressure agent) told you to jump off a bridge would you do that too?"
Hey, jumping off a roof is very different from buying a slap bracelet with my allowance. And ps. jumping off bridges is a fast growing sport, dad. It's called bungee jumping and people do it because someone behind them says "Jump!" Ditto skydiving.

-Response to asking for "dad" too much, usually with whining questions: "I'm gonna change my name."
You're right Dad. Please keep your name. I won't ask for your help anymore. Rather than calling for you I will take your silence for consent. I think I'll use that lamp as a football. And where's a good tattoo parlor?

-Response to an insubordinate act: "If you think I'm going to standby while you do (insert insubordinate act), you've got another thing coming!
What was the "other thing?"
I never did pose this question because I'd probably get slapped upside the head.

-Response to loud raucous: "I don't want to hear one more peep out of you!"
I really did think of peeps as those delicious candies from Easter. This elicited images of peeps flowing out uncontrollably from my mouth.